Drive-Around Afternoon

It's been a long, long time...

2006-11-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

...since I posted, but oh, well. Soooo much has happened, and I'm busy, busy, busy all the time.

Biggest news: I'm gettin' hitched.

More to come.

Huntin'

2006-10-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I forgot to post about my huntin' adventure last weekend. There is no "g" on the end of "huntin'"; it's illegal to tack it on there.

Background information: My boyfriend is a hunter. He warned me back last February that he makes himself scarce in the fall because he goes down to the huntin' camp almost every free day he has in October and November, and while I thought he was exaggerating a teensy bit at first, I now know that he really wasn't kidding. At all.

And he's not just a weekend hunter. Oh, no. A few weeks ago, I was at his parents' house, chatting with his mom, and he went outside for a bit. I continued chatting, and about ten minutes later, I heard a gunshot. After another few minutes, he walked through the outside door to the living room, past me and his mom, and to the kitchen...carrying some kind of dead animal's meat in his hands. My eyes got huge, and my jaw dropped open, and his parents thought my startled reaction was hilARious. I did not. He had shot two dove and taken out their breasts to throw on the grill with dinner.

I knew he was a hunter. I was not prepared for his level of huntin'-ness.

So anyway, the parents had pity on me and bought a new camper (one of the really nice RV campers, very cute and cozy with an actual kitchen and nice comfy beds) so that I wouldn't have to rough it at the huntin' camp. I think they were scared I would break up with him when I saw the camp. It's...um...rustic.

His mom picked me up from work the other day to drive me down there. She told me that she could tell that my coming down to the huntin' camp was really important to him; he's never taken a girl there before, and he was afraid that I wouldn't like it. He was super wonderful and supportive when my grandmother passed away...he came to South GA and met all my crazy relatives, so I felt like I really owed it to him to make an effort. So I put on my game face.

And it's a damn good thing that I did, because we had only been at the huntin' camp for ten minutes...E was cooking steaks to eat out on the porch, and we were drinking wine and everything was great...when a mouse ran across the porch in front of me.

A mouse.

I have never actually seen an actual mouse before. I have heard people complain about mice, and I've been in houses where someone USED to have a mouse problem, but I've never actually seen one. This is the South; we don't have cold weather, so the mice don't come inside during the winter, and I like it that way. However, this mouse apparently wanted steak, and he wasn't shy about it.

Me (speaking): "Um, honey? There's a mouse right over there by the grill."

Me (in my head): HOLY SHIT THERE IS A FUCKING MOUSE OVER THERE!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, A MOUSE A MOUSE A MOUSE A MOUSE!!!!

So E's mom starts screaming, and I'm trying to hold it together, and E disposes of the mouse. He's fuming because in the fifteen years he's been going to this camp, he has never seen a mouse, and of course the first time has to be the weekend when he wants everything to be perfect for me. I'm trying to be calm, and since I was in the corner while all the turmoil was happening, I drank my glass of wine, drained it, and poured another before anyone saw me. That helped calm me a little.

A few minutes later, we're having dinner, trying to enjoy the evening without thinking about the rodent that had just been crawling where our feet were not ten minutes before. Across the way, a man came out of his trailer, paced around his front porch for a minute, and then started firing a pistol into the bushes.

Firing a pistol. Into the bushes.

I suppose he heard us wondering what was going on, because he waved at us, gave us a huge grin, cupped his hands around his mouth, and yelled, "ARMADILLO!"

I started laughing so hard I almost peed my pants. And then I had more wine.

Which was great, because after dinner, we were visited by a guy named Bubba. He came up to the porch to talk, and seriously, he was the nicest man, but I had to ask him what his real name was. It was Bubba. Foot in mouth. So I tried to be cool and sit on the porch to show E that I had forgiven him for the mouse incident. I was sitting, dangling my legs off the porch, sipping wine and talking to E and Bubba...and another mouse ran across the porch.

This was my introduction to the huntin' camp. The next day was pretty uneventful (except for the fact that I got to drive the hell out of a four wheeler), but I'm sure there will be more adventures to come this fall.

Harumph

2006-10-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, so obviously I didn't proof that last post. Blogger was being a pain in the ass that day; it wouldn't let me post, so I gave up on it, not realizing that it was going to put it on my blog twice AND that it was going to contain a huge error. Oh, well.

I am just so tired of everything. I am ready for a change. I feel like I've been waiting for something for so long, and that it's almost here...and the waiting is driving me nuts. And I'm starting to become resentful of the person who is making me wait, which I totally shouldn't do, but I can't help it sometimes.

Sigh.

In other news, I've been totally struck with iPod fever, and have been spending way too much money on music.

Randomness

2006-09-28T06:53:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here, freezing cold (as always), typing away with Ray LaMontagne's "Hold You In My Arms" running continuously in my head, and I just want to be on an island somewhere.

I wish it would rain. I'm in a rainy MOOD, and nothing sucks worse than being in a rainy mood when it's sunny outside. We got into the wine last night, and I can't take any aspirin for my headache because of my surgery next week. I'm getting antsy and anxious about the next few months, and I took it out on E...picking fights with him when I didn't really want to, and nagging at him about little things. So now, on top of everything else, I feel guilty, and unsettled, and just plain bad, and...have I mentioned that I really just want to be on an island somewhere?

Actually, I have been in a funk ever since my grandmother passed away. Of course it was very sad, but I wasn't that close to her, and I'm at the age now where losing a grandparent isn't something unheard of. But it really affected me, and I can't help but think that her death was the official end of my childhood, my youth. And always, when someone dies, you start thinking of your own mortality and what the purpose of your life is, and I know I haven't yet started fulfilling mine. Very depressing and hopeless.

I'll always be grateful that my dad called me that weekend and told me to come down to see her in the hospital. But seeing her struggle and take her last breaths, this little shriveled-up person who looked nothing like my grandmother...and seeing her lying in the bed after she died, before they came to take her body away...that changed me in a way that I can't explain. It was different than looking at her when they had dressed her up and put her in the casket...it was just me, standing beside my grandmother's bed, staring at her body. It was surreal. How could that NOT change someone?

And it's totally affected everything these past couple of weeks. I place a lot of importance on things that aren't important, and I keep blowing off things that ARE important because I really don't care right now. I'm super-emotional and keep crying at the drop of a hat, and I just want to be alone most of the time. And then when E says something about me picking up my clothes off the floor, or how the kitchen is messy...I either start yelling or bawling. Sheesh.

Very dramatic and deep for 10am, but oh well. Hopefully, this cloud will lift before too much longer. I just have to keep thinking of nice things...like moving into the new house...and staying here for my birthday weekend in Charleston. Also, my mom just helped me get a loan to pay off all my credit cards, so now I just have one payment every month. It's amazing how much weight is off my shoulders now...I hadn't realized how bad it was.

Okay, enough grousing for one morning. I'm going to take myself to La Mad for lunch and read my biography of Truman Capote, smoke a ciggie and just BREATHE.

I'm Twelve, I Know

2006-09-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

I giggled, very immaturely...kind of like when you're an adult and someone farts and you're supposed to be mature about it, but you can't help bursting out laughing...today at the grocery store, when I was checking out and a lady came up to the cash register and said, "Excuse me, but could you get someone to come help me in the nut department?"

Hah!

Nebraska Wedding Pics

2006-09-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

Tanner Found!

2006-09-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

For the past two weeks, there have been signs all over the neighborhood I cut through to get to work. They're big neon posterboards about a lost cat...I hate cats, so normally I wouldn't care, but this one's name is Tanner, and his owner described him as "tan," "friendly," and "VERY LARGE." I dug that description,so I kept my eyes peeled while I was driving in case I happened to glimpse a gy-normous tan cat who wanted to be friends.

Yesterday, driving home, I noticed that Tanner's owner had put new signs over the old ones that said "Found--thank you!" I thought that was really sweet, and I'm glad that Tanner's fat ass made it home.

I've Checked Out

2006-09-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

Today, I'd love to have the balls to just walk up to him and say, F YOU, YOU F'ING F.

Sorry for the profanity. Verb, adjective, noun.

Fall is the new spring

2006-09-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

It was a bit cooler when I walked out of my apartment this morning, and the sky looks a little more clear and a little less hazy. I can feel in my bones that fall is almost here! Especially since I was in Nebraska this past weekend, where the air was crisp and the evenings were cool enough to require a jacket, I am sooooo ready for this nasty hot-and-sweaty weather to disappear. Honestly, it seems like it gets worse every summer. I usually look forward to spring, but dread the coming of summer. Fall is great in itself, but I don't mind winter either, so it's even better than spring. Did that make any sense? Probably not.

Fall always makes me think of college...yellow leaves on red brick, blue cloudless skies, the smell of smoke. Walking to class in the morning (well...afternoon, mostly) bundled up in a sweater, smoking a cigarette. Citadel football games. Reading Byron and Wordsworth on crisp afternoons underneath trees with Spanish moss.

I abhor summer stickiness and am going to do everything in my power to become financially independent so that I can spend summers away from here. I love the South more than life itself, but these summers are getting too much for me.

I'm ready for fall.

Somewhere in Middle America...

2006-09-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend was an absolute blast...with a little ickiness thrown in...but now I'm in dire need of SLEEP. The wedding in Nebraska was so much fun. We got into Omaha (after lots of standby waiting and drama), and then we had to drive almost four hours to the town where the wedding was. Nothing but cornfields the whole way out there...pretty, but boring after a bit.

We were running so late that we only had time to check in to the hotel and take ten minutes to get ready before heading to the rehearsal (which, by the way, was held in the Sausage Capital of the World. The single guy we were with really got a kick out of that, considering he was dateless.). I thought it was going to be a little awkward for me since these guys were all E's buddies from flight school, but everyone was SUPER nice and hospitable. Seriously, I think these were some of the nicest, most welcoming people I've ever met.

The rehearsal dinner was fun...you have to love a rehearsal dinner that includes a keg...and then we went to this bar called the Darn Small Pub. Aptly named, but lots of fun. We crashed out, and then E went with his friends to go shoot things the next morning (poor prairie dogs!) while I took a hot bath and slept in.

On the way to the wedding, with the guys in their tuxes, we had to stop and take a picture next to the Sausage Capital of the World sign. Priceless. The wedding was beautiful and went well, except for the screaming kid in the pew behind us. This has happened to me at several weddings lately, and for the life of me, I can't understand why people don't care that their screaming baby is ruining someone's wedding ceremony. But I digress!

After the wedding, the wedding party and the younger guests went straight to the pub for some drinks before the reception. I thought this was a really cool tradition...instead of the bride and groom waiting around for everyone to get to the reception, they just had some drinks and hung out with their friends for a while. It was a lot of fun, and the reception was a blast, too. There was another keg...and too many G&T's and Jager bombs for me, but oh well.

Now for the ickiness...I HATE FLYING. I really hate to fly. I've had this phobia my whole life, and it didn't go away when I had to travel monthly as a kid to see my dad, and it didn't go away even when I took my job travelling for two years. E swears it will go away if I just fly often enough, but I really don't think it will. It's especially bad because I'm okay with large jets, but the planes E flies are 60-seater commuter planes, and they are HORRID for me. I hate turbulence and any kind of bumps...I just don't understand how invisible air currents and clouds can cause BUMPS!

E flew out with me on both flights on Friday, so at least he was there to snuggle with when I got upset, but the Sunday flight back from Omaha was just me flying solo. It was extremely bumpy...I think it was almost the worst flight I've ever been on...right up there with the one I had to take on a puddle-jumper from Madison, WI to Chicago one time. On that flight, I actually unbuckled my seatbelt and stared at all the other passengers to see why they were so calm and collected when we were being tossed around like little rag dolls! I at least held it together on Sunday, but there was a thunderstorm in Atlanta, so we had to hold in the air for 45 minutes, and then it was horribly bumpy on the descent. Words like plummet, wreckage, and fuselage (is there any more horrid word than that one when it's used in conjunction with a crash?) kept replaying in my mind. Worse still, I had to fly Comair on that one, and it was exactly a week since the Comair crash in Kentucky. Sheesh.

Anywho, thank my lucky stars, I made it back in one piece and even managed to get my luggage quickly and painlessly. I spent yesterday just doing laundry and visiting the 'rents (my dad is doing SO much better!), and then E had an overnight in Atlanta last night, so I went and pretended like I lived in the lovely Crowne Plaza, and we had a late dinner at the airport version of the redneck bar.

I'm working on some pictures from the weekend...hopefully, I'll get them posted soon.

Long time, no post

2006-08-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize so much time had gone by without me posting! I guess that's what happens when you're a busy bee. Let's see...what's been going on?

E closed on the house yesterday, so it looks like we'll actually have a roof over our heads. We've already started picking out things to go in the house. There's a really cool red Pottery Barn phone in the kitchen, so we've been looking for accessories in the same shade of red. Lame, I know, but it's fun.

I've been somewhat of a homebody lately. Maybe I'm getting old, or maybe it's just knowing that we need to save money for the house, but I haven't really felt like going out. When E's not in town, I do my own thing, but it's awesome when he's here and we just make dinner together, open a bottle of wine, and sit around talking and watching movies all night. It's cheesy, I know, but I've just never felt this way with anyone, and it feels so good to finally be with someone I care so much about.

The plane crash this past weekend unnerved me quite a bit, but E reassures me that it's a complete freak accident and that authorities will go overboard on the runway issues from here on out. I just feel so horrible for those people, and for the pilot's wife. I couldn't imagine getting a phone call on a Sunday morning that the plane E was piloting had crashed...it makes me ill just to think about it.

That said, we'll be on a flight to Houston tomorrow night, and then on to Nebraska on Friday for a wedding. I'm glad I won't be flying alone after all this! The wedding should be tons of fun, and since the weather is supposedly going to be cool in the evenings, it will be a welcome change from this godforsaken heat down here.

I think I've rambled long enough. I've just been working, hanging out with E, and seeing my friends and fam. Everyone is pregnant and having babies and getting married! Life is good...I just need to start writing more so that I can ease my way into freedom and everything will be better.

Sideshow Gets the Boot

2006-08-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

I woke up today to the GLORIOUS news that this freak (shown here with the other total freak) is OUT OF OFFICE. Let's hope she's learned not to assault police officers.

Seriously, though, the resemblance to Sideshow Bob is uncanny. She doesn't even LOOK (not even a little bit! not remotely!) like she's in her right mind.

Something in the water!

2006-08-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

I just talked to K, one of my best friends growing up, and she's pregnant! She just got married two weeks ago, and there is a baby on the way already! Such clever newlyweds.

Yay! Babies!

I just need the baby fairy to stay away from me for about three years. Thanks, baby fairy.

Welcome to the World!

2006-08-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

Little miss Mia.

Travesty

2006-07-31T11:35:00.000-07:00

I was shopping last night, and as I was looking for my laundry detergent, I found myself humming along with the song that was broadcasting in the store. I stopped for a second and consciously listened to it. It was Bonnie Raitt. I'm not a fan of hers at all, so I didn't know why I was so familiar with this song...and then it hit me. She was singing David Gray's Silver Lining for this horrid CD. Lady, if you're going to rip off one of his songs, at least try to do it justice; you always sound exactly the same, no matter what you croak, so leave the good stuff up to those who know what they're doing. You have no business covering one of David's songs. And your hair scares me.

Notes From the Weekend

2006-07-31T09:39:00.000-07:00

1. There is not, nor has there ever been, a professional football player named Dan Barton. There is, however, an enormous loser named Dan Barton parading around bars in Atlanta, claiming to be a former pro football player, offering to buy cars for women he has just met, professing his belief that he has too much money but not enough love, and weeping unconvincingly about his dead mother.

2. Anchorman=funnier every time you see it.

3. If I pay twelve dollars for a margarita, it damn well better have enough tequila in it to give me a buzz for the next two months.

4. Hospitals aren't fun.

5. Sleeping from noon until six p.m. is pretty much guaranteed to waste your day.

6. If you ever need proof that our country is going straight to hell at an exponential rate, visit your local Wal-Mart at 9:00 on a Sunday night.

7. Dave Chappelle has officially ceased being funny.

Sweetwater

2006-07-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

We went here last night. A pint glass and six beers for $6. We liked it so much that we're going back tomorrow after work.

Hmm. I sense trouble.

Death Cab for Boozy

2006-07-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Coming home, late last night, I had the opportunity to chat with my Albanian cab driver, Refik. We talked about lots of things--among them, alcohol. And true love.

Refik: "So you know the only time I have ever consumed the alcohol was one time, more than twenty years ago, in 1983."

Me: "Wow. Only once? Twenty years ago?"

Refik: "Yes. I was in love with woman. She was perfect. I love her very much. She told me she love another man. I come home and I drink whole bottle of whiskey. I sick for days."

Me (unable to really do anything except repeat what he said): "Really? You were sick for days?"

Refik: "Yes. Sick for days. But you know what? Guess?"

Me: "Um. What?"

Refik: "I find her in internet. Two weeks ago. I look her up, and I find her and call her. She is in Montreal. I go to Montreal in one week and I see her."

Me: "Really? You're going to go to Montreal to see a woman you haven't seen in over twenty years? Is she still single?"

Refik: "No, she married. But I also have wife. And children. I am taking wife and children with me. I will meet her at lunch one day, lunch for just the two of us."

Me: "So you don't think your wife will mind?"

Refik: "No, she not know about it. I will get away somehow to meet for lunch."

Me: "Oh, okay. So what's this woman's name?"

Refik: "I cannot tell you that."

Me: "Oh, yes you can. I'm not going to look her up. Just tell me her first name."

Refik: "No. I cannot. But the next time you need cab, you ask for me, and I tell you how it go."

Sweet.

More Pics!

2006-07-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm so stoked about E's new house. I can't wait to start decorating. We just need Whitman, and it will be perfect.

Memory

2006-07-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Last year, there was a snowy evening in New Jersey. My new friend and her seven-year-old son took me to a restaurant, way out in the middle of nowhere...white fields all around. It was one of those unexpected times that results in moments so poignant, you remember them for the rest of your life.

The restaurant, surprisingly beautiful, was connected to an airstrip. We had no reservations, so there was a half-hour wait. We loitered, listened to the piano music. I was on the verge of asking my friend if we should go, when I look down, and there's Daniel, his seven-year-old arms outstretched, asking me to dance.

I accepted, and we twirled around, Daniel leading me in circles around the hostess stand. The whole place was candlelit, so we danced amongst shadows, flickering on the mahogany walls. People stared, but we just danced.

We had dinner (and I probably drank too much), and then we went out near the airstrip to sit for a while afterwards. Daniel and his mom raced around our gazebo, cold breath hanging in the air before them, and I just sat. Sat and gazed at the stars, and the thousands of tiny white lights around the oak tree, and the red and green signals of the small airplines landing and taking off, and Daniel and his mom racing each other and collapsing on the freezing ground, laughing hysterically. I just sat, and watched, and was happy.

New Hizzy

2006-07-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Woe

2006-07-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

I've been extremely out-of-sorts lately. Moody, mopey, snappish, teary, bitchy, just generally at sixes and sevens. I blamed it on my foot for a while, but my foot is getting better, and I'm still crabby.

I hate to say it, but is basically boils down to the fact that I have no money right now. In fact, I am pretty far in debt what with credit cards, etc., so essentially, any money I have until I get these bills paid off isn't really mine. That's pretty depressing.

I've never been really hung up on money. At all. I've always been a live-in-the-moment, stop-and-smell-the-roses, carpe-diem sort of girl, which is probably the reason I'm so fucked right now. Trip to Wyoming? Ah, put it on the credit card; I may never get another chance to go there. New outfit? Put it on the credit card; I need something cute to wear tonight. Round of drinks for the whole bar? Sure, put it on the credit card; they're my new best friends.

Then, a couple of years ago, I took a job with a company that paid absolutely nothing (and the executives should all be SHOT for the salaries they offer), but I got to travel and see a good bit of the country. So I did that for a while and sank myself even further into debt. Granted, I had a hell of a time, but I spent way more than I made on concerts, restaurants, clothes, sightseeing, all that good stuff.

So now I have a decent job, and I have an overly expensive apartment, and I've curbed a lot of my bad habits (with one of the main ones being a massive overconsumption of tequila and the resulting cab rides and late-night trips to the Waffle House), but now I'm experiencing a major financial hangover brought about by years of partying and carpe-diem-ing.

Sigh. At least tonight is Pete Yorn. And cheap wine in the parking lot before. I can't afford drinks in the bar.

My New Favorite Sport? Headbutting.

2006-07-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

This whole thing has finally gotten me interested in soccer. Will it ever be as cool as minor league hockey, where I can pay $3 for admission and $1 for a huge beer, and see at least five good fistfights? The jury's still out on that one.

Pre-Debacle

2006-07-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

Drinking? All weekend? Why, yes, we were.

Lackluster

2006-07-07T06:47:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something worthwhile to say today, but the truth is that this week. Has. Just. Sucked. I'm very tired of hurting, and I'm very tired in general, and I just want E to come home tonight and clean my apartment for me and take care of me, and I'll probably start crying, because that's pretty much all I've been doing lately. Well, that and eating cereal.

Books finished this week:

Devil in the White City (Wouldn't recommend...for a tale that basically centers around a serial killer, it's surprisingly boring and difficult to trudge through)

Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination (Somewhat entertaining; would be good to read while lounging by the pool)

I'll leave you with this thought:

My Left Foot

2006-06-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

My foot hurts. Badly. E and I were racing home from the boat the other night on the golf cart in the rain, and it flipped over when we took a curve too fast. I don't remember most of what happened, but apparently my foot got pinned between the cart and the asphalt. Everyone doctored me up, and E took me to the hospital on Sunday...I've been on crutches all week, and my foot hurts like a bitch, and by now, I'm really fed up and frustrated with the whole damn thing.

This sounds trite and cliche and all that, but you really take being able to walk normally for granted. Having phenomenal struggles to do something like, oh, say, go to the copier or getting out of the bathtub makes you really, REALLY appreciate being able to get around without hobbling or yelling for your boyfriend to come pull you off the toilet. Really. It's quite humbling.

And to top it all off, I have to go to one of my best friends' rehearsal dinner tonight, and I'm a greeter in the wedding tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to ruining all the wedding pictures with my lovely crutches. Maybe I should drape them with flowers or some shit like that.

Thank You Very Much, Miss Lippy

2006-06-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

I had a nightmare last night. It took me back to the fourth grade, when our antichrist of a music teacher, Miss Turpin, made us study and listen to this. I think she was just trying to find some musical Halloween theme, but she only succeeded in scaring the bejesus out of most of us. For weeks after that, I had bad dreams and visions of grinning, dancing skeletons that would scare the hell out of me, even in the daytime. And now, I'm almost thirty, and I'm still having nightmares about it. Thanks so much, public education system.

I also had a dream last night that I was pregnant, but that's a nightmare of a different sort.

Sugar Glitterjugs Goes to Heavy Metal Karaoke

2006-06-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

My stripper name. And my plans for tonight.

Also, it would be a good working title for my children's novel.

Pete Yorn

2006-06-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

So we left work on Friday and went to Smith's to have a couple of beers and buy tickets to see Pete Yorn in July. We were supposed to have just one or two drinks...but then E was sick and was going to bed, so I wasn't going to go up and see him, and Steph called...so "one or two drinks after work" turned into "holy shit, it's four in the morning and we need a ride home." So much fun with the girls, especially when Misty yelled at a guy who trapped me in a booth, we broke a bracelet into three pieces to avow our undying love for each other, and we discovered our new favorite drink--Cherry Bombs.

Spent Saturday in the water and in the wine, Sunday hanging out with the dads and getting a sinus infection, and yesterday in bed all day with said infection. How fun.

In other news, LAKE THIS WEEKEND. Boo-yah.

And I get to see Pete Yorn in less than a month. He's on my list, you know. Life is good.

Grammar Lesson, Part Deux

2006-06-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

It's not "irregardless." It's "regardless."

And yes, the hard T reared its ugly head again this morning. And by ugly, I mean fugly.

Unfit, With Yellow Teeth

2006-06-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

So I've been trying to work out and get in better shape. I was walking down by the river park near me the other day, on their exercise trail, and I realized that I had forgotten to put a CD in my Walkman. (Yes, I am still of the school that has to use a big clunky CD player when I exercise because I do not yet own an iPod.) Anyway, I didn't feel like listening to the radio, so I just walked around with the soundless earbuds in my ears, having nowhere else to put them...

...which meant that I could hear everything that was going on around me, but I looked like I was listening to music. And I unfortunately was forced to listen to the conversation of the couple behind me, who insisted on walking right on my heels but never passing me. It actually sounded like they were on a first date...still in the getting-to-know-you-what's-your-name-again? stage. Here's how it went:

Girl: You know, when I moved to Atlanta from San Francisco, I was really surprised at how unfit people are here.

Guy: Really? You think people in Atlanta are unfit?

Girl: Yeah. I mean, really. It doesn't take that much to get out and exercise once in a while.

Guy (clearly trying to get on her good side so he can get into her pants later): I suppose that's true.

Girl: Seriously. Ever since I moved down South, I've just been stunned at how people don't take care of themselves. It's really disgusting.

Guy: Well, a lot of people don't...I don't think it's really just in the South.

Girl: I think it is. And everyone down here has yellow teeth, too.

Guy: Yellow teeth?

Girl: Yeah. I'm like, go to the dentist or something.

At this point, I really had to see what this chick looked like, so I stopped dead in the middle of the path and turned around. She almost crashed into me. She had to weigh at least 200 lbs., and she was seriously one of the most unattractive women I've ever seen. And her companion was no prize, either.

Me: If you don't like the South, why don't you take your fat ass back to San Francisco? We don't want you here!

Well, not really, but I really would have liked to have said it. As it was, I just glared at her. And examined my teeth closely when I got back home.

I Gots to Ax You a Question...

2006-06-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

I just found this article on Fark.com. I think it should be mandatory reading for (almost) everyone I know.

I used to be a writing tutor, and the effect/affect, its/it's, and there/their concepts seem to be way too hard for most of the population to handle. It's a source of constant amazement to me that people who seem normal, who verbally express themselves perfectly, will turn in a piece of writing, or send an e-mail, that looks like a child wrote it--a paste-eating, drool-mouthed, non-potty-trained, stick-its-finger-in-the-electric-socket child.

I would like to add a couple of verbal gems that I run across from time to time. Each time I hear one of these, I have this compelling and immediate urge to punch the speaker in the face.

"Expecially" instead of "especially." Makes my skin crawl.

"Ax" instead of "ask." This one really gets me...it immediately lets you know that the speaker is from the GHET-TO.

"Supposably" instead of "supposedly." My mom told me today that Tom Hanks actually says "supposably" in The DaVinci Code, which I haven't yet seen, and which I am now boycotting for this very reason.

"A-fix-ionado" instead of "aficionado." It's pronounced a-fish-io-nado. I once knew this pretentious asshole who constantly read Cigar Aficionado, and he ALWAYS pronounced it incorrectly. I would still like to claw his eyeballs out, but for other, entirely unrelated reasons.

There are others, but these are the main ones that drive me insane. And as for spelling, don't even get me started (sepArate, anyone?). We've already covered that topic.

The Gambler

2006-06-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

Driving to work this morning, I was listening to The Regular Guys and Kenny Rogers popped in for a surprise visit.

How could you not love this man?

A-N-N-O-U-N-C-E-M-E-N-T

2006-06-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

At about this time every year, people start poking fun at the nerdy kids in the National Spelling Bee held in Washington, DC... the skinny kids with the braces and huge glasses who know how to spell words like "prestidigitation" and "onomatopoeia," and who probably get beaten up at recess every single day of their school-going lives.

Well, I was one of those kids, and you shouldn't make fun of them. Yes, they're nerdy, and yes, okay, maybe it is kind of funny to watch them sweat under all of those bright lights while nervously clutching their little fingers together, but COME ON! Spelling is fun, and you know it, and you just wish you could spell as well as we nerds can.

My Waterloo came in the third round of the Bee in the form of the word "ormolu." Or is it "ormalou?" Or "ormalu?" Damn, I still can't remember. Oh, well. It was a free, all-expenses-paid trip to Washington for a week, and I got my story written up in the local newspaper, and the mayor of my town even named a day after me.

So there.

Working Hard, or Hardly Working?

2006-06-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

At the work event last week...you be the judge.

'Nuff Said

2006-05-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

There's just something about a long weekend spent alternately between floating in a raft behind the boat with a beer in my hand and lounging at the lakeside bar (also with a beer in my hand) that makes it really not fun to come back to reality.

Then Tell Your Face

2006-05-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

I think my ex-boyfriend was gay.

It just hit me, and I have no idea what made me think of him, since I haven't in ages. But I just realized that he loved Amelie, always wore tighty-whities, cleaned his house obsessively, wore short shorts when he went running, drank whiskey sours, loved techno music, and secretly ate women's chocolate multivitamins.

Dude.

Wilbanks Update

2006-05-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

Shocking. I just never saw it coming.

Me 'n' My Honey

2006-05-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

At the wedding this weekend.

RANT!

2006-05-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

Here are some free pointers for all you assholes who live in Atlanta and don't know how to drive. I'm really tired of this:

1. If you are at a red light and in a lane in which you have the option to go straight or turn right, and you are the first person in line and you're going straight...pull UP a little bit so that the person directly behind you can turn right if she wants to without having to wait forever.

2. This should go without saying (see #1), but it IS LEGAL here for you to turn right on a red. People from up north (shudder) seem to have a problem with this one.

3. If you don't use your blinker when you're in heavy traffic, you should be shot on sight.

4. If you are driving an enormous SUV, and it's obvious that there is a relatively small car following you, don't swerve out of your lane to avoid stopped traffic at the last moment becase, guess what, genius? The car behind you CAN'T SEE the stopped traffic, and you're going to cause a huge accident that (we know, we know) you'll just drive away from.

5. If you're too stupid to drive and talk on the cell phone at the same time without swerving all over the road or running stop signs or red lights, then forgoodnesssake, put the phone down. Or better yet, just don't leave your house at all. Ever.

6. When you're driving in your neighborhood, and one of your neighborhood friends (most likely another stay-at-home mom from your pretend book club where you don't actually read books, you just sit around all night and eat cheese and talk about your husbands, who actually have real jobs) passes you in the opposite lane, IT IS NOT OKAY to stop your car in the middle of the road to talk to them. No. It is not.

7. If you are turning left at a light, and you don't have a green arrow but the light is green...PULL UP INTO THE INTERSECTION SO THAT YOU CAN TURN LEFT WHEN TRAFFIC ALLOWS YOU TO. Don't just sit there like a grandma and wait through another cycle and a half for the damn light when there are people behind you who actually WORK and who actually need to GET to WORK.

8. In a similar vein, if you don't work...or if you're retired and over the age of fifty, which naturally means you automatically drive 10mph slower for every five years over fifty...then please, please PLEASE stay off the @$!#!$@%@# highways from 7-10am, 12-2pm, and 4-7pm. Or better yet--YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK! SO STAY AT HOME, DRINK A MARGARITA, AND ENJOY NOT WORKING! STOP GETTING IN MY WAY!

9. Now, come here. Lean your head in...yes, just like that...and listen closely. If there is wreck up ahead...a wreck of any kind, but ESPECIALLY a wreck that is on the other side of the highway that you WON'T be able to see ANYWAY...mind your business, keep driving, and don't pay any attention to it. Keep. Driving. KEEP DRIVING!

10. When I am in the right lane of the highway (like I am unless I'm passing someone, which is how it's supposed to go, genius), and you're merging onto the highway from an on-ramp, guess what? It is YOUR responsibility to gauge traffic speed and slow down or speed up according to what's going on. It is NOT my job to adjust MY driving to accomodate YOU. And if you cut me off, you'd better damn well be prepared for my horn and my finger, because buddy, I'm pissed.

11. Just because you drive a Volvo, and they're supposed to be safe cars, does NOT earn you the right to drive like shit just because your car won't crumple if someone hits it. Yes, soccer mom, I'm talking to you, and yes, by the way, you need to get your roots done. And are those split ends I see?

12. A speed limit is usually just a suggestion here, especially if you're on the highway. If all the cars around you are going ninety, then (and I'm just going out on a limb and guessing here), you're not going to be pulled over for doing seventy in a sixty-five. In fact, you're just going to cause an accident. And then one of the myriad jackasses behind you, craning his neck to see what your wreck looks like, is going to hit the jackass in front of him...and before you know it, dammit, I'm late for happy hour.

13. If the carpool lane isn't moving any faster than the rest of the lanes, it pretty much stands to reason that it's not going to do you any good to cut across six lanes of traffic to get in it, retard.

Grr. GRRRRRRRRRRR.

There. I feel a little better.

So.

2006-05-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

The weather here has gone downhill, taking my spirits with it. Things lately are just kind of blah, I'm easily irritated, I can't get motivated to do shit, I'm not writing, and my finances are completely out of control. To top it all off, there's a milestone this week that scares me, and I'll probably end up flat on my ass again.

It also scares me that all it takes is a semblance of a shadow of a nuance to shake me these days.

The more I attend big, lavish weddings, the more I'm convinced that when I get married, it will be on the beach with the sand between my toes. Or on the spur of the moment in Italy, surrounded by water and wine and sky. Definitely not in a big room full of overdressed people, having to choreograph my first dance or direct people to a chocolate fountain.

Lovely time, though.

Some days, you're the bear, and some days, you're the monkey.

From Russia, With Friendship

2006-05-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

In my e-mail inbox today:

"I want to find a guy. I live in Russia and like to meet new people. I want to see if we could be friends. Let me know if we can become friendship."

Yes, Vanessa, we can become friendship.

Also...

2006-05-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

...Red Wine meets tonight. Yay!

Rainy afternoon here, so...

2006-05-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

There was rain, once,
A bush of blue hydrangeas, striking,
Vivid through water, a piece of the sky.

There was sage, and vanilla,
A sachet of comfort wrapped around me, arms and legs,
Warmth from tanned skin,
A picture of women, fingers interlocked, stars, circles.

A presence, real, now skewed,
Twisted and torn in tangles of thought--
It cheapened, became tarnished and broken-rusted.

There is a cadence, still,
A flame that flickers, licks at my ear, and is forced to grow silent,
To subside into ash,
Into the remnants of bone, of coverlets,
Of creases on my skin, now faded.

It's Official: I'm Old

2006-05-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a kid, I have this weird reminiscing thing...like I'll think back to what I was doing last week or last month or last year at this time. I'm big on birthdays and anniversaries, and I'm a loser romantic at heart...so sometimes, I can't help but think of the past and what I was doing at certain times...

...like last year at this time...I was working in Baltimore. And there was one night, on May 5, in a pub, in the rain, sitting next to a fire...and I was happy...

...and two years ago at this time...I was starting my new job and working in Texas...running away from having to choose between two men. Which was SUCH a great move on my part, because I got to see a little bit of the country, and it turns out that neither one of them were worth staying home for...

...and three years ago, I was having dinner on May 5 with a group of people whom I had to struggle to convince myself I liked and could live with...

...and four years ago (man! Was it really four years ago?) I was cuddling Jack Russell puppies and falling in love with an absolute ass (whom E knows, as it turns out) and living in Dunwoody...

...and five years ago, I was right out of school and working a shitty job without realizing how shitty it really was and trying to get over a fresh wound...

...and here I am, five years later, probably none the wiser, quite a bit heavier, and with a much higher alcohol tolerance. And isn't it ironic that my Jack Handy widget just switched to: "If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when you were also thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on?!"

Ramble On!

2006-05-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being sick and working and worrying about money and having to pay off my credit cards and I'm tired of people making me feel stupid and I'm tired of having to watch my back and I'm sick of not being motivated and of having bad dreams and I'm tired of stupid people and assholes and I'm tired of expending my energy worrying, worrying, worrying all the freaking time and I'm tired of not being able to read and write as much as I want because I'm so tired all the time and I'm tired of living in a teeny tiny apartment with screaming children all around and I'm tired of worrying about something happening to the people I love all the time and all I really want to do right now is have a lot of money so I can stop worrying and working and just move to the beach or to Italy and just sit down and look around me and have time to be happy and to BREATHE.

Puerto Rico Runs Out of Cash!

2006-05-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

So it seems that Puerto Rico is the governmental equivalent of the friend you have who always needs to bum money.

I especially enjoyed the governor's reassuring statement of "As of 8 a.m. this morning, I don't have in hand a single legislative proposal that resolves this crisis."

I have no idea why I'm being all politico today.

In other news, I need chocolate.

Child Prodigy

2006-04-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

Having dinner with my parents last night brought up a lot of old memories...hearing your parents telling someone about your antics as a kid isn't always fun, but there are also sooooo many things they don't know.

Like the one time I was at my friend Robbin's house on the other side of the island. We had somehow gotten our hands on those snapper-crackle things...the little things you threw on the ground and they snapped and made a loud bang. (Probably not the safest toys in retrospect, but what are you gonna do?) We decided it would be really fun to stand by the side of the road and throw the snappers at passing cars. Brilliant. We'd been at it for about twenty minutes or so, and a car was moving slowly toward us. I got a new snapper ready and hurled it at the car as it drove by...and it went right into the driver's open window and hit him in the face.

He hit the brakes and started to reverse, and I took off running through the brush...there were no real trees on the island, but there were some pretty big bushes I thought mide hide me. Unfortunately, I hadn't known that Robbin was a childhood sellout, and I looked back to see her talking to the man in the car and pointing at me. I knew I couldn't get away at that point, so I walked back to where they were, hanging my head, heart pounding. The guy yelled at me and told me I'd done damage to his car (which was a total LIE!), and I ended up telling him my phone number and where my parents lived. He, of course, had just wanted to scare me and had no intention of contacting my parents (who probably would have had him arrested) but I lived in total fear for the better part of a month that he would show up to talk to them.

Also, I slapped Robbin when we got back to her house, and then she kicked me in the shin, and we didn't speak for two weeks. She's probably still working at her dad's nasty beach store, ringing up inflatable starfish and giving away snowcones with no real flavor because her dad was always too cheap to let them make really good ones. Derelicts.

My New Favorite Words

2006-04-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

Fracas

Kiwi

Noggin

Phlange

Spork

Rhododendron

Atreyu

Mnemonic

Aquaduct

Damnable

Jury

2006-04-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

I do not like being judged. Not at all.

I am not perfect. I will be the first to admit this. I run late for everything, I hardly ever blow-dry my hair anymore, I'm not that great of a cook, and I tend to procrastinate. My fingernails are often bitten-off and ragged, I don't call my parents as much as I should, and sometimes (even though I only have three channels), I will sit and stare at the TV for four hours and then, if you ask me, I'll lie about how I've spent my time.

But that's me. I don't pretend to be something I'm not (except when I lie about gratuitous TV-watching, and I think that's relatively harmless).

Grrrrr. GRRRR.

Sure, You Can Talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

2006-04-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

Aight. Here we go:

1. David Gray is my all-time, all-time, all-time favorite. Now and always.
2. My parents are divorced.
3. I love rainy days…especially rainy mornings, when I can stay in bed.
4. I want to be a writer when I grow up.
5. I have no patience with stupid people.
6. I have very little patience in general.
7. Walt Whitman is my favorite poet, and I usually have a copy of Leaves of Grass handy.
8. I was in the National Spelling Bee when I was in the 5th grade.
9. I went to College of Charleston and still think Charleston is the coolest place ever.
10. I also love Georgia. Go Dawgs!
11. I have had my heart broken very badly. Several times.
12. I love most music except for rap and hip-hop, and even they have their moments.
13. I can’t understand why anyone would want to live anywhere but the South.
14. I used to be a sorority girl.
15. I love red wine.
16. People tell me I look like Mariah Carey, whom I really dislike.
17. I hate pretentious people.
18. I love to paint, but I really can’t draw.
19. I love the beach, the ocean, the smell of sunscreen, the roar of the waves, but…
20. I absolutely hate boats.
21. I think I am too fat right now.
22. I love chocolate-covered strawberries.
23. I really love my boyfriend, who made me chocolate-covered strawberries for our anniversary.
24. I want a boxer puppy.
25. I do not like to hear people eat.
26. Things in miniature freak me out…especially tiny furniture.
27. I lust after a trip to Italy…Florence, Venice, Rome.
28. My toenails are always painted red.
29. I broke my arm on a skateboard when I was 11.
30. I drove a little white Honda Civic from the time I was 16 until last year.
31. I’ve already picked out my kids’ names (Savannah and Tristan).
32. I like bookworms.
33. I have smooched a rock star.
34. Tattoos, to me, are dead sexy, but I don’t have one.
35. I still have crushes on singers and movie stars.
36. I consider myself a lady, but I tend to cuss like a sailor.
37. When I babysit my cousin’s little girl, I pretend that she’s mine when I rock her to sleep.
38. I like loud music; it’s probably already damaged my hearing.
39. There are two people in my life whom (I’m ashamed to say) I hate.
40. I look just like my mother.
41. I love polar bears.
42. I don’t go to church as often as I should; I plan to remedy this.
43. I am afraid of dying.
44. I hate the dentist.
45. I once left a date by telling him I had to use the restroom, and then I bolted out of the restaurant.
46. I’ve broken up with a guy because he showed up wearing tight Wrangler Jeans.
47. I love stargazer lilies.
48. Right now, Chris Isaak is in my CD player. Well, not really Chris Isaak, just one of his albums.
49. I hate to vacuum.
50. I don’t want to be a non-working wife, but I want to stay at home and write.
51. I love bubble baths.
52. I love a certain look in a certain someone’s blue eyes.
53. Once, I singlehandedly almost got a fraternity’s charter revoked on my college campus.
54. I really, really, really hate New Jersey.
55. Try as I might, I just cannot understand the rules of football.
56. I am perfectly content to be on a patio on a sunny afternoon, drinking beer and talking with a friend.
57. I have punched a guy in the face.
58. I love the sound of running water.
59. There is a scar on my right knee from a bicycle accident I had when I was little.
60. I used to bite kids in my preschool.
61. My first boyfriend’s name was Jeremiah—he put a picture of himself on my desk in third grade.
62. I had a part-collie, part-black lab named Nicki, and she was the best dog EVER.
63. I wish I had real diamond earrings.
64. I have a lot of different groups of friends.
65. One of the best nights I’ve ever had was on the beach at 3am with a stolen six-pack of beer, looking at thousands of stars and lying on the sand.
66. I believe in angels.
67. I own a taser.
68. I have GOT to get some sleep someday.
69. My first memory is of jumping off a stone wall into my dad’s arms.
70. I love to be in or near the water.
71. I’m a Scorpio. And we all know what that means.
72. I wish I were better with money.
73. My favorite ice cream is plain old boring vanilla.
74. Monkeys ALWAYS make me laugh.
75. I love to get presents.
76. I like to sleep in.
77. My mom taught me how to drink champagne and Frangelico.
78. I love yoga.
79. My favorite movies are Dead Poets’ Society and Old School.
80. I love Graham Greene. And John Irving.
81. I ratted a girl out in middle school for plagiarizing a poem in a writing contest. She copied it out of our English book,
and our stupid teacher didn’t even notice.
82. My best friend is moving to Alaska.
83. I do not like the words “treat,” “tasty,” “delicious,” or “proper.”
84. My ears stick out too much, and I have weird feet.
85. I like to throw oranges.
86. I played volleyball in high school.
87. I love to go hiking.
88. I like silver jewelry.
89. People who use bad grammar really piss me off.
90. I think there is nothing sexier than when a guy has just gotten out of the shower, smelling all clean and fresh with his
hair still wet.
91. I want to go to Graceland.
92. I have been river rafting and horseback riding in Wyoming.
93. There is one song that never fails to make me cry when I hear it.
94. I still don’t own a digital camera.
95. I hate anything written by Joseph Conrad.
96. I don’t like short men.
97. Anything having to do with carnies is alright with me.
98. I live within ten miles of the hospital where I was born.
99. I know it’s cheap, but Cool Water cologne for men makes me go weak in the knees.
100. I’m a bibliophile.

That's Called Houdini

2006-04-19T12:12:00.000-07:00

We've decided that roo pockets probably smell really bad.

Your Mom Goes to College

2006-04-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well, apparently my two degrees don't mean jack because I totally sucked at trivia last night. Ah, well, such is life.

Did you know, for example, that the last line from Cheers was "Sorry, we're closed"? Or that the colors of dominoes are based on the black and white hoods of monks a really freaking long time ago?

See, you learn something new every day.

It's grey and rainy here, and all I can do is complain about things, blah blah blah. Tonight is dinner with my dad; he gets to meet the lovely, lovely, lovely boyfriend for the first time. Here's how it will probably go:

Dad: Nice to meet you.

Boyfriend: Nice to meet you too, sir.

Dad: So when are you guys going to get married? My daughter's not getting any younger, you know.

Boyfriend: Um...I'm not really sure about that.

Dad: Well, she can't cook, you know. So just be aware of that. But she has other qualities.

Boyfriend: Um...okay.

Dad: So seriously, when are you getting married?

Me: Hey...where are you going? Why are you running out the door? Come back! COME BACK!

Sigh. Dinner will require lots of patience. And wine. And patience. And did I mention...wine?

Lessons Learned

2006-04-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend:

1. Going out for "a few drinks" with a friend on Friday after work really translates to "we're going to stay out until 4am and force our taxi to take us to Steak 'n' Shake on the way home."

2. Waking up to start the day after only two and a half hours of sleep: not fun.

3. Don't go shopping for Easter baskets the day before Easter in the most crowded mall in town when you only have 15 minutes to spare.

4. Three-year-old tantrums: also not fun. His aim was pretty good, though, considering.

5. Ingeniousness of letting a one- and a three-year-old eat pizza on the living room carpet: negligible.

6. Best way to spend Easter after the whole church-and-family-brunch thing: bowling and beer.

Good Friday

2006-04-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

It's a good day (no pun intended) to take the time to remind myself that even when things look bleak, there is a higher power and there is a reason for everything.

In the news today: tornadoes wreak havoc in Iowa, attacks on churches in Egypt, continued bombing and devastation in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Perspective, lass.

Nava and REK

2006-04-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I go here and here.

Mmmmm.

Sideshow Speaks

2006-04-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

This is totall bullshit. Of COURSE she has to be from Georgia.

Waterloo

2006-04-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

Glass of vino, a ciggie. A sigh. I have been very profound-ish and introspective-y today, having begun a quest to get a poem or two published and trying to digest the advice of numerous, pompoushole editors: "No greeting-card sentimentality!" "No stories of despair, no rambling, no epics about dead grandparents." "No hard-core pornography; keep in mind our readers are from ages 9 to 12."

It seems that it all boils down to two main pieces of advice: DON'T GIVE UP! (Insert smiley faces/high-fives/after-school-speciality here.) And MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A PURPOSE! MAKE SURE YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!

This last one has stumped me, and has rendered me completely ineffective, with the day drawing to a close as I sit and drink and have a smoke with no goddamn idea what it is I'm trying to SAY. What am I trying to say? My life has no specific theme; I generally say a lot of things. Most of them are stupid.

I've come to the staggering conclusion that I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I feel like the literary equivalent of that guy who showed up after a college party one night and slept on the couch for the remainder of the semester.

So I have nothing to SAY!, dear editors, but I'm going to attempt to navigate this minefield anyway. All I know is that I like cherry lollipops, rainy mornings, fabric softener, Japanese fighting fish, school supplies, and boys with long hair who I know are bad for me. I greatly dislike credit card debt, Mariah Carey, patchouli, vacuums, drivers who don't use blinkers, stay-at-home moms, and people who don't make a big deal out of my birthday.

I'm really a very simple girl. Maybe this is all I have to say.